An open note to the next person who cuts my hair
I understand that I have a tendency to speak somewhat cryptically at times, I like to speak in code words and phrases that might be a little difficult to interpret at times. In order to alleviate any unfortunate future misunderstandings, let’s break the code on a few of them now.
When I say, “I like my length, I’ve been growing it for four months, I haven’t had long hair for 20 years, I just need a bit of the volume taken out on top and in back and trimmed up a bit,” this does NOT mean, “Chop off all my fucking hair, especially in back, get it up over my collar and ears.”
Now I realize that I left a lot of room for interpretation there. “I want my hair left long,” could mean a lot of different things. That’s awfully grey language, terribly nebulous. I can see how that could be misinterpreted as “Do a hatchet job on my head, disregard any fleeting thoughts you might have had about doing as I requested.” I mean, I’m not unreasonable here, I fully admit that, “I’ve been growing it since February,” could be easily sound to the casual listener as if I’d appended, “and it’s about time you cut all that shit off.”
But that’s really not what I meant, even though it’s clearly what was heard.
So, to the next person who cuts my hair (and you can expect to see me in, oh, late September or so), here are a few key phrases for you to jot down.
When I say, “I’ve been growing my hair for four months, I want to keep the length,” that means, “If you cut off all my hair, I’m going to chop off your fucking hands and make you eat them.”
When I say, “I haven’t had long hair for twenty years,” this means, “If you cause me today to NOT have long hair, I am going to take those scissors from you and stab you in the neck, giggling manically as the life force oozes from your lifeless body.”
Look, I’m not a violent man by nature. I’m just asking that you try to understand gibberish phrases like, “I want my hair long,” when I use them. I want you to work with me, and try to come to a mutual understanding that pleases us both.
Thanks, and I’ll see you in four months. Whoever you are.
Best regards,
Jeff
Jim Dillman
on June 24th, 2009
I started watching The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson in the mid-to-late 1960’s on Friday nights and other non-school nights. I was a faithful viewer for over thirty years, right up until Johnny’s retirement. Even though I never met any of them, Johnny, Ed, and Doc were almost like family. Johnny’s last night was a very sad one for me- almost like a funeral. Letterman, Leno, O’Brien and company are all pretenders. Johnny and Ed had more class in their little fingers than those three losers combined. No one will ever hold a candle to Johnny and Ed.